All (Chinese) Roads Lead to Bureaucracy
在我侨居中国的三年半时间里，日常生活中几乎每一方面都明显变得更加便捷了。我经历的“中国时刻”(China Moments)也越来越少了──这是一个许多外派来华的“前辈”警告过我的专有名词，即你被眼前的官僚折磨得一点办法都没有，只有自己抓狂的份儿。但这里也有让我急得恨不得大声叫嚷起来的例外状况，而这种情况大多和开车有关：办驾照、买车、出交通事故，而最近这一次是在我即将离开北京时卖车。
During my three and a half years in China, most aspects of day-to-day life became markedly easier. I had fewer and fewer of the 'China moments' many veteran expats warned me about early on -- those times when you bang your head against a frustrating bureaucracy until you just want to scream. Most of the exceptions -- the times I did want to scream -- involved driving: getting my driver's license, buying a car, having a traffic accident and, finally, on one of my very last days in Beijing, selling my car.
买家是我的朋友乔治?史密斯(George Smith)。当时陪同我们办理手续的是在《华尔街日报》任职多年的司机窦师傅，他在如何与政府官僚打交道方面很有一手，堪称我们的政府事务联络官；还有一位名叫高森的中国同事也与我们同行。
The buyer was my friend George Smith. We were accompanied by Mr. Dou, the Journal's long-time driver and government affairs liaison, who is a master at maneuvering through bureaucracy and getting things done, and WSJ researcher Gao Sen.
理论上讲，我们必须将车开到设在北京南城距我家约1小时车程的某二手车交易市场，在那里填写一些文件，让人把车检查一下，并把所有该盖的章都盖到。然后我们要折回头来去车管所完成最后的手续，三年前我就是在那栋庞大的楼里考驾照的。我琢磨了一下整个过程需要三到四个小时。
In theory, we just had to drive to the used car market in South Beijing, about an hour from my house, where we would fill out some paperwork, have the car examined and everything marked with the 'chop' of an official government stamp. Then we would double back to finalize the process at the Department of Motor Vehicles, the hulking office building where I took my driver's test three years ago. I figured the whole outing would take three or four hours.
第一个麻烦来了：窦师傅居然找不到那个市场了，要知道他从来不迷路的！最后我们终于把车停下后才发现通往市场入口的辅路上排满了人，他们当中有的要买车有的要卖车，甚至还有人在卖牌照。我们终于驶进了巨大的停车场，并围着这个巨大的建筑群转圈，穿过了正在接受检查的半挂牵引车，它们的驾驶室向上掀起，还有数十辆也在接受检查的小汽车。
The first sign of trouble came when Mr. Dou couldn't find the market -- he never gets lost! When we finally pulled up, the driveway to the entrance was lined with guys trying to buy or sell cars, and even a few selling license plates. We entered the massive parking lot and circled the huge complex, passing tractor trailers being inspected, their cabs tipped upwards, and dozens of cars being similarly checked out.
后面一小群年轻女子指着我们看不同的队伍，显然是在招揽生意，不过我不知道她们在兜售些什么。高森告诉我说她们要50块钱（约合7美元）来帮我们排队。我对这个价钱没问题，于是窦师傅就找了位他信得过的女士。
In the rear, a small army of young women pointed us into different lanes, clearly jostling for our business, though I didn't understand what they were selling. 'They want 50 yuan (about $7) to help us with the process,' Gao Sen explained. I OK'd the expense and Mr. Dou seemed to have found a woman he trusted.
我们跟着她穿过一个大型车辆展室，走入了一个满是人的地方。这里到处都是长椅，玻璃文件架排成了后面的两堵墙。一长溜小桌子将这个办公中心和展厅分开，每个桌子旁边都坐了三四个人，雇佣他们的公司也雇佣了门外招揽生意的那些女子。给我们带路的女士将我们领到一张桌前，她要了我们的护照、车辆登记信息，然后就开始填写从桌上拿到的若干份文件。我才意识到这些女士并非拉拉生意那么简单，她们自己就是登记中介公司的工作代表。
We followed her inside as she strode with purpose across the back of a large car showroom and crossed into a large space teeming with people. The center was filled with benches and the two rear walls were lined with bulletproof-glass-enclosed cubbyholes. In the middle of the room, bisecting it and dividing the office from the showroom, was a long row of small tables, each staffed with three or four people, representing different companies who employed the women outside. She took us to one of the tables, took our passports and the car registration information and began filling out a stack of papers she pulled from the desk. I realized that the women searching for customers outside were representatives of legit, registered companies, not freelance hustlers.
这位女士在房间内奔忙着，我们则费力地跟着她的步点，被她带到了一个窗口前。她把我们的所有文件都递交进去，里面的一名男子审看了一番，把文件敲了一堆图章后又递出来。高森对乔治和我说，我们可以留在楼下，由他和窦师傅上楼去完成一些手续。十分钟后他俩回来了，我们又返回那个办事窗口。我心想，“这挺有意思，还算不错。”我们都想早点把事办完，因为乔治稍晚还有个约会，而我则需要与我的乐队一道出席一个公司聚会──《华尔街日报》中文网的读者见面会，我可不想把这次活动搞得一团糟。
She blazed across the room, with us struggling to keep up, and approached a window. She handed over all the paperwork, a man looked it over, stamped a lot of things and handed it back. Gao Sen told George and I we could stay downstairs while the two of them went upstairs to finish some things. Ten minutes later they were back and we returned to the window. 'This was interesting,' I thought, 'And not too bad.' This was a relief because George had an appointment later and I needed to front my band at a corporate party -- for the Wall Street Journal Chinese-language Web site, one show I did not want to screw up.
接下来我却听到了一连串的“不可以”。我凑过去想搞清楚究竟发生了什么事，只听窗口里的那位工作人员说“数字不对......不能......问题......”，我忙问是怎么回事。
Then I started hearing a lot of 'bu kuye' ('can't do'). I leaned in close to try to figure out what was going on and heard the clerk saying 'wrong number… can't do…problem…' I asked what was going on.
高森解释说，“你登记的护照号码和你护照上的号码不一样。”
'The passport number on your registration is different than that on your passport,' Gao Sen explained.
“我换了本新护照，”我回答说。
'I got a new passport,' I replied.
“老护照你带了吗？”
'Do you have the old one with you?'
“没有。我们还能过户吗？”
'No. Can we still do this?'
“可以，但这得先要车辆管理所批准。”
'Yes, but we have to go to the DMV first to get approval.'
于是我们又坐进汽车，驱车半小时来到车管所。这时已是中午12点半，正是午饭时间，车管所的办公大厅里基本空无一人。只有一位女工作人员在值班。她把我们递上的文件都看了一遍，而我也听到了那个如有魔力般的词──可以。她把我们的文件收拢在一起，放进一个密封的塑料信封，然后就丢在一边不管了。
We piled back into the van and drove back the half hour to the DMV. It was 12:30 -- lunchtime -- and the room was virtually empty. One female officer was working alone. She looked everything over and I heard the magic word -- 'kuye' ('can do.') Then she took all the documents, threw them into a sealed plastic envelope and tossed them aside.
高森说，“我们能办，但负责盖章的人吃午饭去了，他要45分钟后回来。”
'We can do it but he guy who can chop this is at lunch,' Gao Sen said. 'He will be back in 45 minutes.'
我们又回到车上，驾车沿着条狭窄、弯曲的路去找吃午饭的地方，路旁的人行道上满是放学的中小学生。窦师傅说他担心可能找不到合适的餐馆。“南城是北京最穷的地方，”他解释说。我们向他保证自己不是挑三拣四的人，于是大家去了一家卖美味手 面的小餐馆。
We got back in a van and set off in search of our own lunch driving down a narrow, twisty road, the sidewalks lined with elementary- and middle-school students. Mr. Dou said he was worried about finding a suitable restaurant. 'South Beijing is the poorest part of the city,' he explained. We assured him we weren't picky and we found a little restaurant with delicious handmade noodles.
我们1点45分返回车管所，事情办理得出奇迅速，很快我们就行驶在回二手车市场的路上了。这一横生枝节至少让我们多花了两小时，但事情还是有进展的。我们找到了那位替我们代办手续的女士，她一路小跑着抓紧办各种手续，不到一小时就把一切都办妥了。
We returned at 1:45, received our chop surprisingly quickly and were soon on our way back to the market. The extra detour had taken up at least two hours, but we were making progress. We found our lady and she ran around with great speed and efficiency and had everything ready to go in under an hour.
我们又二次来到车管所，花10块钱让一个人把我的车牌拿下、交上去，把几份文件送进去敲图章，然后文件又被送出来作了番在我们看来敷衍了事的审核。事情几乎就要办完了！或许我们接下来去干预定的事还不会太迟。
Back at the DMV a second time, we had to pay a guy 10 yuan to take our plates off, turn them in, have a few documents chopped and be sent back outside for what we thought was a cursory inspection. We were almost there! Maybe we wouldn't be too late after all.
有人来给我的车拍了张照片，还有人检查了车门上的认证号码，以确定我卖的确实是登记的那辆车。在工作人员办这些事的时候，我们走进他们污秽、狭小的办公室等待。我不经意间往屋外一看，见有七个身穿黑制服的人正围在车前打开的引擎盖边看着什么。情况可能不妙。
Someone took a picture of the car while someone else did an etching of the vehicle identification number on the door to verify I was selling the right car. We went inside the greasy little office as all this was processed. I thought we were wrapping up but then I looked out and saw seven guys with black overalls and clipboards standing around the car's open hood. This could not be good.
我上前打探消息，恰好听到其中领头的那位说出“不可以”三个字。高森问这些人我们该怎么“解决问题”。
It was time to stick my nose in. I walked over just in time to hear the lead inspector saying 'bu kuye' and Gao Sen asking how we could 'fix the problem.'
我则问出什么事了。
I asked what the problem was.
高森说，“他们找不到发动机序列号。”
'They can't find the engine serial number,' he replied.
到此为止，我们为车辆过户已经花了近六个小时，太阳正在西坠，乔治和我全没了好心情。他已赶不上赴约，而一位司机此时正驾车行驶在去我家的路上，按约定他要把我和我的音响系统送到我们乐队演出的地方。
At this point, the outing had already taken close to six hours, the sun was setting and both George and I were losing our good cheer. He was missing his appointment, and a driver was already on his way to my home to pick up me and my sound system and return us to my band's show.
时间在一分一秒的流逝，我的神经已经疲惫，手指和脚趾都冻麻了。虽然我极力让自己保持冷静──特别是在有可能因一场冲突而丢脸的官员们面前，但我还是发火了：“我需要把这事办完！”我用中文喊叫道。“可以！可以！我一整天没干别的事。我赔了很多钱。我很快就要回美国了，我今天必须把这辆车卖掉。我再抽不出一天时间了，你们可以把这件事办完！”
My clock was ticking, my nerves were frayed and my toes and fingers numb from the cold. Despite always striving to keep my cool -- especially with officials who could lose face in a confrontation -- I lost my temper: 'I need to have this!' I screamed in Chinese. 'Kuye! Kuye! I did not work for one whole day. I lost a lot of money. Soon I will go to America and I must sell this car today! I do not have another day. You can do this!'
这几个人面面相觑，然后对我说只有他们的领导能决定是否让我给车过户。我们走进办公室。这位身穿制服的警察看上去不是善茬，他不像是个可以通融或吃我这套的人。在高森向这位警官作解释时我选择了默不作声。高森说我是个重要的外国人，要去参加一项重要的外事活动。
They all looked at one another then back at me and said only the boss could approve. We trooped inside. The boss was an officious looking, uniformed policeman who did not look likely to bend the rules or appreciate my rants. I kept quiet as Gao Sen explained that I was an important foreigner with important foreign affairs to attend to.
这位警官把我打量了一番。我试图作出重要人物的样子， 但可惜我那天没刮胡子，身上只随便穿了件旧T恤衫。他拿出了图章和红印泥盒，在一份文件上签字后又把图章在上面盖了两三次，然后一脸冰霜地将文件交给了我们。我高兴坏了。
The officer looked me over. I tried to look important but was unshaven and slovenly in an old T-shirt. He took out his chop and his red ink pad, signed a paper and chopped it two or three times before handing it over without a hint of a smile. I was elated.
我们一路小跑着回到车管所主楼，高森和窦师傅将全部文件都交了上去，不一会新车牌就发到了乔治手里。我们来到楼外，又给那个人十块钱让他把新车牌安上，然后大家坐上车打道回府。车辆过户花了我们将近八小时。
We trotted back into he main building. Gao Sen and Mr. Dou handed over all the paperwork, and moments later George was handed new plates. We went back outside, paid the same guy 10 yuan to install the plates, climbed back in and headed for home. The whole thing had taken almost eight hours.
这件事至少让我在启程回国前能与乔治聚一聚。我对他说，“这件事的教训是，永远别卖车给你不喜欢的人。”
At least I got to spend some time with George before departing Beijing for good. 'The moral of the story,' I told him, 'is never sell a car here to someone you don't like.'
我再也不会抱怨新泽西的车辆管理所了。
I will never again complain about the New Jersey DMV.
Alan Paul
（编者按：本文作者Alan Paul是《吉他世界》(Guitar World)的高级编辑，同时也为美国篮球杂志《灌篮》(Slam)撰写文章。因妻子工作需要，他举家从美国新泽西州迁往中国，现居北京。他的电子邮件是expatlife@dowjones.com。）
没有评论:
发表评论